So this isnt as short as I would like it to be, and a litle later than I would like it to be. I would have finished earlier if I had'nt gotten sidetracked by a really nice old man, who asked me to write his memoir. His name was not Michael.
The following is all true, except for the part that is a lie:
It didn’t do for ducks to be brooding, but Michael had little choice in the matter. He was, after all a teenage duck, and a vampire, and a pirate. So he stood on the bow of the Meridian, the sea breeze pulling at his dark feathers as he looked out into the emptiness around him, brooding.
A half discarded suduko puzzle sat off to one side, he had been working on it but had found it hard to concentrate his thoughts kept turning to what brought him here. He didn’t go out looking to become a pirate, or a vampire. Those things just kinda happened to him, as he set off to make his fortune so he could provide a house for his true love. He originally had been a Ferrier, but there wasn’t much money in shoeing horses, especially if you were a duck. So he went into the city, where he was attacked by a vampire, but since the vampire really didn’t have a taste for feathers, so instead of killing him, he just turned Michael into a vampire as well.
Then there was the issue with the popular conception of Vampires. Everyone seemed to assume they were rich, or something. And then there were the hours, it was nearly impossible to find a job that would only let you work at night. But the Somalians had no qualms with giving him a job, as long as he could be ruthless, they didn’t even care that he was a vampire. The horn of Africa had its own perils. Especially for his crew mates, who were significantly less undead, and by that Michael meant that they were quite alive. Now that the UN had started patrolling, piracy just wasn’t what it used to be.
Michael sighed, there was also the other thing. Michael knew He would catch up to him soon. That was one true advantage of piracy, when you were a pirate you could spend long periods of time at sea without ever docking. And if you never docked He could never find them. Some people would consider Michael lucky, I mean not everyone had multiple fathers, but Michael had two. His true father, who had long since died, and had been turned into a mummy, and was now sleeping safely below deck. And his father’s twin brother, who insisted that Michael was indeed his son, and had been chasing them for leagues, trying to convince Michael to return home, and to stop shirking his duties.
Almost on que, Michaels fathers twin, Michael showed up on the deck of the boat, landing in a flurry of black feathers.
“Michael” Michael, Michaels fathers twin, quacked.
Michael fluffed up his feathers, slowly standing up off the eggs he had been keeping warm.
“Michael,” Michaels fathers twin continued. “I know you’re here.”
Michael stood perfectly still, as his fathers twin started walking up and down the boat, although the bag of gold at his side squeeked.
“he’s found us” the bag squeaked.
“Not yet,” Michael whispered to the bag, stroking it carefully (the bag had once been his true love, but Michael, using vampire powers, turned her into a bag of gold so that she could live forever, without being a vampire) “and he wont if you keep quiet”
“Michael!” yelled Michael again. “I know you’re here, you stole something from us. And you need to come home, or at least give it back to us. The village is starving.”
“Oh no.” the bag squeaked.
“Shh.” Michael snapped at the bag.
“Michael, I see you!” Yelled his father’s twin, walking purposefully towards them, “you need to give me the bag, so I can buy food for our village,”
“Our village?” Michael asked, his fathers twin, Michael. “Our village has been gone for a hundred years, old man!”
“Just cause you’ve been gone for a hundred years doesn’t mean the village has.” Michael yelled, lunging at Michael.
Overhead, the clouds began to rumble, turning over one another, as Michael jumped out of Michaels grasp. The water started lapping around the bow of the ship. Michael flapped his wings at Michael as he tried to regain his balance, Michael grasped at the bag.
The boat began to pitch as the lighting lit the sky. Michael flapped away from his fathers twin, ignoring the scuffle to run and grab the helm, as a wave crashed down on the ship.
“Michael,” Michael yelled at his fathers twin. “Enough already! Why cant you just leave us in peace.”
Overhead, more clouds started to attack the first set, which caused the boat to pitch and hurl even more. Michael struggled to hold onto the helm as his fathers twin approached.
“Because, you stole her from us. She was mine, after you left, and then you stole her from us and left us to starve, we need that gold” He yelled lunging.
Michaels feathered hands slipped around the bag, which screamed. At the same moment, a giant wave came crashing down, washing Michael and the bag overboard.
“No.” Michael yelled, letting go of the helm and jumping overboard after the bag. As they hit the water, the storm began to die out. The clouds calming down as the sun started to rise. Michael hit the water at the same moment as the first rays of the sun, and promptly turned into a Toyota Prius.
Michael, Michaels fathers twin watched in amazement from the ships deck, managing to hold on when the bag went overboard. As Michael the prius rev’ed his engine and powered down after the bag. Not noticing the door to the deck opening behind him, and a cloth wrapped figure emerging.
“Michael?” The mummy asked.
Michael, Michael’s father’s twin, turned, “Michael? What have they done to you?” he asked the mummy. “Your all mummified.”
“Well you’re a ghost.” Michael, Michaels father answered.
“Im not a ghost.” Michael, Michaels father’s twin replied.
“Yes you are.” Answered the mummy. “You’ve been dead for one hundred years.”
Meanwhile down below, Michael the prius, vampire, pirate duck caught up to his ex true love, who is currently a bag of gold and managed to get it/her inside the car, before transforming into a Smart Car so that he could rise to the surface. And with one great push, managed to land on the deck of the somolian pirate ship. Crushing both Michaels, which didn’t really do anything to Michael the mummy, cause he really was a ghost, however, Michael the ghost was crushed, cause he really was a mummy.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for the clouds, who were really controlled by space, and blamed the earth for everything.
I hope you enjoyed my Somolian Pirate workout VHS. Please turn over for side two.
p.s. I am 90% sure none of this makes sense, however it was quite fun to write.