Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Atonement is not about asking for forgiveness and knowing that you will receive it. Atonement is about asking for forgiveness knowing you wont, but hoping that maybe God, this entity that is so above you, so much bigger than you, so much more than you can ever comprehend will take pity on you and forgive you anyway. Yom Kippur is about groveling. It's about fasting, and not fasting thinking that I'm doing a good thing by praying and fasting, that I'm setting a good example, it's about fasting and thinking I'm not doing enough, I could be doing so much more.
It occurred to me today, as I was in temple, that perhaps Leni is Jewish. See, I've struggled for a long time with Leni's character. She has never been very easy for me to write. The biggest issue with Leni is that she actually believes she is not worth saving. Leni believes she has done so much wrong that she is unredeemable, even if the wrong she has done is not her fault, even if the wrong she has done doesn't actually exist.
It's something I've struggled with for a while. How do you portray that. How do you show someone as being afraid of themselves to the extent that they don't believe they deserve forgiveness, or even life, without making them suicidal. Because Leni is not suicidal. She doesn't believe she deserves to live, but she doesn't want to die either.
But perhaps the answer is in Yom Kippur. Perhaps the answer is Leni is Jewish, and she doesn't believe she can be forgiven, but she hopes she can anyway.
I had almost entirely given up on the Sacrifice story. I don't have a firm outline, I don't know how the story will end, although recently I'm remembering why I want to write it. I'm remembering stories about children sentenced to life in prison, which was one of the driving motivators to tell this story, and I'm finding myself motivated again, perhaps its because its getting cold out and Sacrifice has always been a winter story, for when things are hard ...and I'm contemplating a complete rewrite, from the beginning. But in the essence of beginning at the beginning, I'm gonna start this time with an outline.
Maybe the key to writing Sacrifice has always been fasting and cold and religion. It's weird what sometimes inspires you--although this could be like one of those pledges you make under duress and hunger pains that you regret once you take off the rose colored glasses. I guess you'll just have to be like me and wait and see.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I've started a new job, and a new part time job. I went on vacation. There was a national holiday. Etc. Typically I would look at this as the perfect opportunity to really set a schedule for myself, when am I going to write, when am I going to sleep when will I work out. When will I knit. But the truth is, since the new schedule started, I've been scheduled up.
This past week for example. I got back from Atlanta Tuesday morning at around 3am, and woke up at 7am for work so Monday night was gone, it passed somewhere along interstate 85, I was probably sleeping through a torchwood cd. Tuesday after work I was too tired to really function (apparently I'm not as young as I used to be and actually need sleep), so I went home and straight to bed, well I checked facebook for the first time in a few days first. Wednesday night I had my tattoo appointment, which went really well, and didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. Thursday I had a haircut appointment, which I forgot about till the salon called me, and even though I probably didn't really need a haircut, I didn't want to pay a cancelation fee so I went anyway. Friday I had a friend come into town, and took advantage of the fact every other person in my age range would be at a party so I did the five loads of neglected laundry I had sitting in the corner. Saturday I had a meeting and a training with the par t time job, then knitting, which brings me to today.
Today opening my laptop and realizing I've not anything that I normally would be doing. I need to redevelop a routine. It's weird. I used to think of myself as being very anti routine. And in alot of ways I still am. I don't like them, I think they can lead you to get stagnated, stuck in a rut, because your never changing what you do week to week. Yet, apparently I need one. Without one it's to easy to be distracted by say the laundry I've been putting off forever because well, it's not very much fun and cause there is nothing telling me I should have done it just doesn't get done (that is until the only clothes I have left to wear to work are Blue skinny jeans and a football jersey and I don't believe any office is quite that casual.
So here it is, the goal (and I'm not a huge fan of goals either)of this week and next week is going to be, develop a new routine and stick to it. Hopefully this will get me back blogging again.