Friday, November 18, 2011

Tights are not pants!

Skinny jeans are a conspiracy designed by boot companies. Really the only thing they are good for is showing off your boots. And perhaps looking at other peoples cellulite, but really, who wants to do that, in public, there are websites for those kinds of fetishes.

I am not a very fashionable person. I would live in sweats if I didn't have an office job. I would never wear shoes unless my office job supplied me with a handbook about appropriate footwear (yes, I did go barefoot in the office for about two weeks before the HR people brought me a copy with the "appropriate footwear" thing highlighted, then I switched to flip flops).

I do,however pride myself on one element of fashion. I am very good at dressing for my body type. So good in fact, that people often guess my weight as being about 50lbs less than it is, 20-30lbs I give up to kindness, but that means I can successfully hide 20-30lbs of extra weight that I carry around, mostly because I live a sedentary lifestyle, that I blame on having sedentary hobbies, and working 80 hours a week. In fact I have been surprised in finding out that people I am friends with wear the same size clothes as me.

That being said. I think skinny jeans area conspiracy designed by boot companies, to sell more boots. And, tights aren't pants. You see there has been alot of talk in the news and apparently in squatters, and maybe even on this blog about the 1% vs the 99%. Well, in my opinion, approximately 1% of people look good in skinny jeans. (I might go up to 15% but 14% of those people wear them poorly). This is a fashion trend that drives me crazy, for three reasons.

1) It doesn't look good on most people, and I don't want to ever see other peoples fat.
2) Because its a trend all the stores carry skinny jeans which makes it impossible to find regular jeans that actually look good on the majority of people (this directly contributes to #1 since people who look bad in skinny jeans, and need clothing, will buy skinny jeans if they have no other option)
3) They are uncomfortable.

Then you get the people that take the trend to a bizarre extent. Like, the other day, I was running some errands in DC and there was this woman walking in front of me, her pants were so tight I could see every ripple and fat bubble in her ass, I was transfixed, mostly wondering how much skin she lost getting the damn things on. Then, how she could look at herself and think, damn this looks good...she must have more self confidence than me.

Or, the girl I saw wearing pantie hose outside, and her top wasn't even long enough to cover where her underwear was showing.

Now I also get, that guys like looking at asses, especially of people of the opposite sex, or perhaps even of their sex. So I want to suggest some equally wearable options, that show off the ass. Pencil skirt, jeans that fit tight on the ass but are loose in the leg (wide leg jeans). Are probably my two favorites.

If you haven't given up already, you are probably wondering where I am going with all of this. #3 of my list as to why skinny jeans were created by the devil, is they are not comfortable. And to write, you have to be comfortable (at least I do).

This past week the company I work for celebrated its 40th Anniversary, we had a party on Capitol Hill, lots of important people were invited. I had to dress up. It sucked. But I went out with my co-workers afterwards, there was an open bar at the party, and then there were more drinks at the bar. There was a girl (not with our group at the bar) wearing leggings, and a tight sweater. She was being rude and loud to our server, and I was very drunk. By very drunk I mean, I was four beers, two glasses of wine, and a shot into the night. So I decided to tell her she was dressed inappropriately. "Excuse me, tights are not pants."

p.s. I also learned that night that, pencil skirts with but zippers get guys to ask for your phone number.

p.p.s. Wide leg jeans are making a come back in stores!

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