Monday, January 30, 2012

Costco Chilly Cheese Fries

Is it wrong that I think it is wrong to call someone, on a date with a fake emergency to give them an excuse to leave a date, but I don't think its wrong to create an emergency to give someone an excuse to leave a date. I mean, the first option is lying. The second option is just a fire hazard.

Barney, a character on the show "How I Met Your Mother" has this thing (in one episode) called the "Lemon Law". The idea of the lemon law is that you have the first five minutes of the date to decide if the date is actually going somewhere, and if you decide it isn't you can lemon law the person. No hard feelings, just a get out of date free card. Of course it doesn't work out quite the "no hard feelings" way when Barney does it I mean, you have to lay that kinda thing on the table before the date starts, you cant just up and say, five minutes in, "sorry your great, but I'm lemon lawing you." I mean, you can, but its an awesome way to get slapped, or a beer poured on your head at least (beer actually makes pretty decent conditioner though).

I have my own special version of the Lemon law, but it has very little to do with leaving in the first five minutes. It also has very little to do with climbing out of bathroom windows. It does have a good bit to do with my behavior. Like for example, if I order chilly cheese fries on a first date, and eat them with my fingers, its probably a sign that I don't like you very much, even though I do love chilly cheese fries, and think most food should be eaten with fingers, silverware is for civilized folk.

Or, if the first date involves getting pizza at Costco, its probably a good bet there wont be a second. Although the guys I've pulled these stunts with didn't get the hint. After chilly cheese fries, the guy tried to kiss me. I mean, I am pretty sure i had chilly in my hair, and he tried to kiss me...maybe they thought I was just being myself (which I was). Costco wasn't that bad, he emailed me a couple days latter to tell me how great of a time he had, suggesting another pizza place where we could go next time, cause lets face it, a second date to anywhere that isn't a grocery store is probably a step up.

But I did start to wonder if I jumped to conclusions with these guys. I mean, I met them for about twenty minutes before I was acting ridiculous. And I know I don't make a great first impression. Bobby, my blogging nemesis, hated me for a long time after we first met. Apparently, its not polite to tell someone their shirt feels like toilet paper, no matter how much sangria you've had. Although I still contest that you shouldn't wear a rippled white button down shirt, if you don't want people to think of toilet paper when you wear it, no matter how much money you spent on it.

In real life, most of the time, you get multiple chances, even after your first impression. I mean, Bobby hated me, probably for about six months. Now he lives with me and still hates me (especially after this post). I’ve had time to wear down his defenses; I just kept showing up until now, he cant live without me.

Yet, in so much of the writing world you don’t have that option. An agent might look at your query letter for a few minutes, then it’s off to the next one in thousands, and I guess you could keep submitting, but that also seems like a good way to get yourself into a world of trouble. A blog reader might read your first post then go off to the next blog in thousands, never to come back. If you’re published, a reader might give your characters one page, or two, or even a first chapter, before they pass you off.

In a lot of ways the writing world is harder than real life, but in a lot of ways its kinder too. You don’t have to worry about girls climbing out second story bathroom windows to avoid finishing the date with you. You get form letters instead, or never hear back.

But I still contest lying is wrong, and, it’s better to light the kitchen on fire, to get someone out of a date, than call and say the kitchen is on fire.


  1. That's it! I've been lemmon lawed by agents based solely on my queries! If only they would get to know me they would LOOOOOVE me. :P

    1. Ohhh...maybe I can bring a form rejection letter on my next date. I can check off which offending thing is guaranteeing no second date:

      Still live with parents
      Checking phone all the time
      No Chemistry

      It would be like dating mad libs.

  2. This was a good metaphor. I would have never thought to compare writing queries to lemon-lawing dates. But what I liked best about this post was the description of Bobby's white toilet-paper shirt. I actually laughed out loud.

    Don't hate her, Bobby! Surely, it was the sangria. :)

    1. That really was the first thing I said to him. I dont think he owns the shirt anymore.

  3. I'm not sure if your posts are sounding more like mine, or vice versa. Either way, well done.

    Got ID?

    1. Um...I think you are starting to write like me. Stop it. Get your own voice!

      I have my passport. I still haven't replaced my Drivers Licence. I just really hate the DMV.