The sound of

Right now, I really want an apple. Not one of those stupid electronic ones, but the real ones that grow on trees and you eat. Did you know people were leaving apples with bites out of them in front of apple stores for that Jobs fellow.

Anyway that's a tangent off what I think I am trying to say. I dont like apple products, and I certainly dont like wasting apples. In all fairness, I've only ever owned one apple product. An Ipod Touch 2nd Gen. It was a good mp3 player, I enjoyed it until I got a smart phone Android X, at that point I'd been using it for two years, and the battery life was starting to suck, so I figured I would just start using my phone for everything.

Here's where I ran into a problem. Apparently Apple, in the interest to prevent piracy made it impossible to transfer your music (with exception of the music you bought on i-tunes) from your device to your computer. This makes sense, kinda. Unfortunately there are alot of legitimate reasons why someone would want to move their music from their I pod to their computer. Like, their old computer died, and all of their cds from high school were on that computer. Luckily before the computer died all of the music was transferred onto their I-pod. Or so they thought.

So, according to the interweb the only way to get your music off your I-pod touch is to hack the I-pod touch. Something a more honest person might be hesitant to do.

To sum up, Apple made something where honest people loose all of their music, and less honest people keep all of their music, including music they might have downloaded illegal. Great policy. Then their is the idea behind it, we are going to make something, sell it to you, and design it so you cant do what you want with it without breaking it. Say what?

As a writer, music is really important to me, I write while listening to music, almost exclusively. In fact I have Pandora on right now. So the thought of loosing all my music because a company is ridiculous makes me really sad. Much more sad than wasted apples. I am still hoping I have a friend who is tech savvy enough to get it back for me. I am most definitely to scared to do something like jail break an ipod. That being said, when my current netbook dies, I am sticking to PC products (probably get another HP). I know there are plenty of people out there with Macs who love them. I really wish I could put Scrivanger on something, but I doubt it will fit on my netbook and I dont own a laptop. I am just not comfortable buying another product from a company that thinks it should tell me what I can and cannot do with it. Maybe Apple should take up Googles moto "dont be evil"

Falling

Have you ever stood on the edge of something high up, holding something in your hands, it doesn't have to be something precious, something simple, like a hair clip, or your glasses, and look over the edge. And wonder about what would happen if you drop it. Partially wanting to, wanting to let it slip, and crash to the ground, a few heart beats later. But you dont at the same time. So you hold it, in your hand. Not clutching, because clutching will make your hands tired, and perhaps sweaty, and then it might slip. But lightly like an idea. So that it stays in your hand, safe yet not. Poised, in a dangerous position so you could wonder what it would be like if it would fall. To embrace the idea of it falling, floating, in a few minutes of freedom before it hits the ground and shatters. And you wonder how many pieces will it shatter too.

Thinking about running down the stairs to pick it up, gather and attempt to reassemble. Knowing that it will never be quite the same again. And its that knowledge that keeps the object in your hand. After-all why would you drop something from high up, why would you intentionally break something? But sometimes things need to get broken.

Have you ever watched the clouds and wondered what it would be like to float like a leaf pulled free from a tree?

I've had a bad day. So rather than write about it. I wanted to write something mildly nonsensical, something about nothing. Hope you liked it. If you didn't, too bad, get your own blog.

Voicemails of a Writer

I dont think voice mails begin with “I have a dragon problem” in real life. They certainly don’t end in, “Text me when I can call back to brainstorm solutions to my dragon problem. Cause I’m on my way to work.” That’s just not normal. And its definitely not normal to think, hmm that would make a great opening to a blog post, or short story after it happens.

I can’t imagine how boring normal would be; luckily I have better things to be imagining. Like what kind of dragon problems my friend has. She was way to calm to be facing a dragon attack. Although freely maraudering dragons would definitely be a problem (and interesting), especially cause she lives in Philadelphia. I recon they would wreak havoc on all kinds of important things they don’t know anything about. Like independence hall. Do Dragons have a taste for colonial buildings? I imagine they burn quite well, old wood and all.

Of course she could have uncovered an illegal dragon egg smuggling ring, and be wondering who to report it to. DEA, Customs, FBI, CIA, NCIS, NSA, NASA, PETA…and I think I am out of acronyms. Or maybe she has been caught raising dragons for dragon fighting. Perhaps it’s that some misfit band of Dragon Lords were discovered by lay folk and now face a disastrous choice, make public the existence of dragons and magic, or just destroy the city and everyone who was potentially exposed.

The truth is it could be any of those things. The friend who called, and left a message on my phone, that began with “I have a dragon problem” is a fellow writer. Although, I still don’t think voice mails begin with “I have a dragon problem” in real life. Writers seem to live in a subset of the real world, or at least I do. And that subset seems to be in my own imagination.

I don’t know what it takes to be a writer, although I do have some theories on character traits that most have. The first is an overactive, or just an active, imagination. We create worlds in our head, and then fill these worlds with people that we create, and sometimes destroy. Then mourn over the people we’ve destroyed, they weren’t just made up, they lived. Even if they lived inside our heads. I’ve cried over killing a character. I am sure most other writers have too (even if you haven’t, can you just lie to me about that).

The second, is slightly harder to admit. Arrogance. We all have something to say, and think what we have to say is worth other people’s time to read. And that is a bit arrogant.

Anything else you think someone needs to be a writer?

The Insecure Writers Support Group

So, I found out about something kinda cool today through LG Smith over at Bards and Prophets. The Insecure Writers Support Group

Which Alex J. Cavanaugh is running. Although I am coming a bit late in the game, I figure I aught to catch up for lost time and write a Thursday post on this...since my Wednesday post was on magic, or something.

One night at a friends birthday party, some two years ago, two guys got into a fight. It started out innocent enough, they were arguing over the definition of "try" and "fail", they were very drunk. One guy was saying the word's meant the same thing, you were failing while you were trying to succeed, but until you actually succeeded you were failing. The other guy was saying that trying was not failing, it was trying. And while you might not succeed while you were trying, you were making positive steps, so how could you be failing.

If neither of those arguments make much sense to you, I understand. Did I mention they were very drunk? One of these guys was letting his insecurities get the best of him. I think he used steroids. Why bother trying, if its only failing. The other guy's argument was much more optimistic, trying isn't failing, its trying...and you will keep having to do it until you actually succeed.

The problem with insecurity is that its easy to use as an excuse, lets face it writing is hard, and its scarey knowing that you might not ever succeeded. It looks like an insurmountable wall. I can just say, well, I will never do that, so I might as well give up. I am not good enough so I should quit now.

"Why cant your fiction be more like your non fiction. Your fiction prose is stiff."

Say what??? I am paraphrasing, but I am not joking. I had a friend tell me this. Not just a friend, a writer whose opinion I respect. And I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on my creative non fiction. It's the only stuff I've ever sold, and when I put a piece up for workshop I am told, "this is my favorite thing you've ever written".

So whats the problem? Creative non fiction is not fun for me to write. Contemporary fiction, is not fun for me to write. Its easy. The words come out. But its not fun. I am left feeling insecure about the writing I like to do, and confident in something that I dont like to do. I know I should just let this go, I know my fiction needs work. But for some reason, this particular comment has left me feeling insecure.

And these insecurities have me locked up at the key board, paralyzed with a form of doubt that I seem to have a hard time shaking. Just as another persons comments about my character drove me to post yesterdays post...but that's another topic for another day. This is just ONE persons thoughts. I have other people asking me when they will get to see the rest of the fiction novel that I've been working on. I've been complemented on my fiction prose before. I should just shake this off. The problem is that it is contributing to my self doubt.

Someone once told me, and I cannot remember who, that in order to call yourself a writer you have to actually write. That seems like a no brainier right? But maybe its easier to wrap yourself up in doubt and insecurity and not write. Its easier to think, if I never try, I can never fail.

Life is full of people who tell you, you will never make it, you will never succeed. Living is about learning to ignore them.

Fortune Cookie

I believe in magic, but I am not sure how I feel about fortune cookies. I received one the other day, well, stole it from the kitchen table in my office, but it was sitting there and lonely, under a note that said EAT ME. I know, if there is one thing I should have taken from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland its not to eat food that says "eat me"...but I have a hard time learning lessons.

So this fortune cookie had a fortune in it, like most do: "You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature"

Which is hilarious to most people that know me, or think they do. I am not quiet, and I am fairly obtrusive. I actually have a reputation for it. Upon first introduction most people find me obnoxious, and that is a fairly vanilla word for it. I like to act like things dont matter, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say, but I very rarely act seriously. Life is to short not to have fun, and who can have fun when you are being serious all the time?

And I am great at acting happy go lucky, but the thing is, I can be really quiet, and really unobtrusive, it comes easily to me. Just as being dark and angsty can come easy to me too.

My personality is a bit like a jigsaw puzzle and I am still trying to make all the pieces fit. The bubbly obnoxious me is a shield. Its still me, but when you get way down past it, I cant be bubbly all the time. I dont have the energy for it. And that seems to surprise people.

I think most people have shields, things they do around strangers, things to keep them at arms distance, ways to test people to make sure they are worthy before you really let them get to know you.

But not that many characters do. Maybe its because its to hard to write. Maybe its because the reader is taking the place of the characters friend, or the character themselves.

Lately I've been trying to tone down the obtrusive aspects of my personality, I want people to take me seriously, but how can they when I am never serious?

I met a woman at a bar and told her I was hard to get to know and near 'bout impossible to forget.

Why?

"So how do you know So and So"
"Oh, we go to the same Writers Group."
"So your a writer? What do you write?"

I hate this question, a lot. Perhaps its just me, it probably is just me, it seems most things are. But the "What do you write question," I never know how to answer. What do I write? You might as well ask me my sexual history, or my religion, or...well, those are all bad examples because I would share that stuff with a stranger.

If forced I normally give standoffish answers, like "Fiction," or "Everything", or "a bit of this and a bit of that." Yet that never seems to satisfy an audience, its a bad plot, leaving you with more questions then when you started "What kind of fiction?" "Or do you write...?" and then I have to try to explain. Although what I really want to say is "Why do you want to know? Do you want to read it?"

The mature part of my brain (yes it does exist) knows these people are just trying to make friendly conversation, I have a bizarre hobby to them, much like I would probably be fascinated by someone who told me they play with explosives for fun, okay, again, probably a bad example. And what is life other than trying to make small talk with strangers you dont care about, looking for a connection.

I dont know what my problem is, I dont know why this question makes me defensive. Even with other writers I joke, or give very vague answers. Its easier to make a joke and say "I am actively not writing a YA novel".

Perhaps its because I feel like a slacker. I dont feel like a writer because I write very little, although I am still defensive when I write every day, a habit I need to get back into. Perhaps its because I put so much work into something that I think might get misunderstood. That people that dont write think writing is easy, and they will not be impressed. Perhaps its because my writing is so close to me that when I share it with strangers, that are not writers, I dont trust them.

Maybe I am just crazy and it is an example of my neurotic lack of trust in strangers that's preventing me from feeling comfortable sharing.

I do know I need to write more...but I feel like thats a subject for another post.

Is it hard yet?

"Wasn't the plan, to not have cable, so that we would actually write?" My roommate askes me as I put the second DVD of the night in.
"Yes, but I am working." I reply as I pick up my knitting needles. So what if I'm not writing. Writing isn't my only interest, and it certainly isnt my only deadline of this month.

Deadlines are as follows:
Steam-punk Knitting Swap: Ship Date 8/31
Dragon Con Costuming Stuff: 9/1
Short Story Submission: 9/1 (actual submission deadline 10/31 but I want to have it finished so it can be critiqued and edited well before then)

Knitting is in alot of ways, much easier than writing. It is creating something, basically from nothing, but you almost always have a pattern, which tells you what to do when. If you dont, there are easy rules to follow, its all math. A few simple stitches to memorize, and the techniques are all pretty standard. Breaking the rules results in a finished object results in a object that doesn't stay finished for long, as it unfurls back into the state of yarn.

Stories are similar, there are rules, but those rules are a bit more flexible. I feel that I am both blessed and cursed. Telling stories comes fairly natural to me. Writing it down is a bit more difficult. Writing a good story takes work, and sometimes, even though I enjoy it, sometimes I dont want to do work.

Lately I've been in a bit of a funk, I haven't wanted to do anything. And once you let yourself have a break from doing, well, anything, its not easy to convince yourself to do something. So for the month of June/July I did very little, aside from paint, and unpack, and read and knit. Now its August, and I have a month left to finish a bunch of projects, and very little time, but more importantly, very little drive.

Dont get me wrong, I still believe I will quickly loose my sanity if I stop writing, I have a few scenes rolling around in my head, which I have written down. But I seem to have no motivation to really write. Maybe its the summer and the heat. Maybe I'm just feeling burnt out. I know I've gone through these periods before, and typically I just have to force myself to do something, anything and then I will get back in the rhythm of it.

Maybe I need to pick up the Jamie Todd Rubin--Red Bull a day habit and see if that kicks my ass into gear, and you should check out this mans blog, because he is inspirational. He seems to never have an unproductive moment.

I'm sitting here, trying to catch up on reading blogs and I saw that LG over at Bards and Prophets is pushing people here, which makes me feel wholly unworthy, since I haven't posted in over a week, far from my three times a week goal.

I have been very unproductive, hopefully I am pulling myself out of my slump, and can convince myself not to watch TV but actually write, that being said. I think its okay, to be unproductive on occasion.