You see, I'm twenty seven years old, I'll be twenty eight in November (the end of November) and don't worry this isn't a post about getting old, cause I'm not, in fact I'll never get old. So what does my age have to do with anything, I really don't know. It just seems like an appropriate place to start.
The problem is that in two month's I've got to move out of probably the first place I've lived in a good long while that's felt like a home. I knew this would happen, I mean, I've always moved every few years, its my solution to not becoming a hoarder. Plus, its not like the lease is ending suddenly. It just feels sudden.
Part of it is the fact that I don't want to leave my current apartment. Part of it is, looking for an apartment forces me to look at my life, and I'm twenty seven years old, still working in basically an entry level position, barely making enough money to do anything. I haven't published anything since I was in college, all of some five years ago. Part of it is when I ask friends what they're thinking about doing as far as apartments, a significant number of them are talking about buying their own place, something I can't even begin to contemplate because I'm broke.
So right now, I'm feeling very insecure. Because you see, even though I don't like personal goals, I couldn't stop myself from making a few, and five years ago, if you asked me where I would be, I would have told you I don't know, but I never pictured myself here, the exact same place (although employed with a degree and living in a different city).
And as I am sitting here, attempting to write a post about insecurity and writing, all I can think about is that I'm a failure, which I know is not true, cause I'm not, I can't fail at life, I can only do, and I'm doing...I just don't know what I'm doing. Yoda would be proud (probably not).
I know it's a feeling, like most of my other insecurities, and it will go away, eventually, I hope. It's just, now I have to grow up, and make grown up choices, and my body, and mind are resisting. They are saying, you're so good at being immature, stick with that, it's gotten you this far.
What are you feeling insecure about today? Anyone want to let me move in with them, I promise I wont cook for rent.
I'm glad I have lived in apartments since leaving home. I mean if I'd bought a house during the housing bubble of the 2000s, I'd either be bankrupt or "underwater" in terms of debt on it right about now. So that's something to think about. Though sometimes I think it'd just be cool to get a motor home and then my home is wherever I park that night.
ReplyDeleteBTW, my birthday is in the end of November too but I'm going to be like way older.
It will get better. Promise. I've been there and it feels crummy, but it all tends to work out. :D
ReplyDeleteI'm just thinking about moving into my first apartment (well, not counting the apartment I lived in during college), and I'm suddenly realizing that even though the money I make seemed like a lot to someone who'd only made hourly wages before, it's actually not really enough to pay for rent, food, car insurance, and other living costs all at the same time. I'm totally with you about the grown-up choices (and I'm with you about the fact that I'm much better at being immature).
ReplyDeleteWell, without knowing your whole situation, can I make a suggestion? Set little goals at first. Try saving ten dollars a month at something (like skipping coffee). And try to write something for ten minutes everyday (and that doesn't include a blog). Even though these are small things, it adds up in the long run and helps with the emotional strength you're trying to build up. These are just suggestions...
ReplyDeleteI think you nailed it on the head. You're resisting. And you haven't what you're resisting yet so how do you know you should be resisting it? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm 25 and I took the scary adult step about a year ago. And you know... It wasn't that scary.
I truly believe that as long as we put in our all and never give up we can have the life we want. It might take two jobs, it might take little sleep, it might take moving in with two roommates and having those dirty dishes pile up in the sink EVERY FRICKIN' DAY! (haha. Can you tell I've had that one? Actually I've had them all :))
But you can do it. Whatever it is you want you can do it.
Its just deciding if you want to take the steps to get there.
Well, consider how the bad economy has affected so many others in your age group. Most kids in our generation were taught they could do anything and pushed to acheive, acheive, acheive. You can get a certificate and recognition for almost anything. Once you exit the academic world and see what reality awaits you, it can get depressing. I had a job "using my degree" that seemed super cool (downtown Chicago) but I was paid poorly and treated worse by an unethical employer. I ended up taking a job as a secretary - not an Administrative Assistant, a plain old Secretary. I literally answered phones and opened mail and felt like a loser. BUT, I was treated well, paid decently, and I moved up in the company rather quickly. It's just a job but it pays my bills and most of all, I feel respected. It's not what I went to school for, but I'm focusing on my passions outside of work (like writing) which I find far more fulfilling than prestige at a job.
ReplyDeleteAlso - just so you know, I have lots of friends crossing 30 who rent, are single, and some married who rent, and it's smart for them. They didn't get caught in mortgages they couldn't afford back when everyone and their cat could get a variable interest rate on a mega-house they couldn't really afford. As Americans, I think we needed a reality check with what the American Dream really means. It's not Kardashian-land (not that you would think that) it's about making it work every day, whether you're renting or in a sucky job.
Thanks for sharing - I hope you move on from feeling in the dumps because you don't need to feel bad :)
I completely get you. I'm a bit older, 34, and I still have those feelings. I don't own a home, I have an entry level job, if it wasn't for the hubby I'd be broke. I don't know if that ever goes away, even when you do buy a house and get a promotion. It will be interesting to see.
ReplyDeleteHeyo.. I'm sorry to hear you'll have to leave someplace that feels like home. :( I am 33, working at an entry level job, have never published, and will probably not have a house in my lifetime, or even a college degree. So Poop! But, hey. We're writing arn't we? We're makin blog posts. We're making progress. We're trying. The thing is, we could have a million dollars and have 3 best sellers and still feel shitty. The world will always suck. So happiness is something we have to decide for ourselves. Hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteAndrea
Chin up, feet forward...you make it where you want to go. Setting goals is a do! Decide what you want to do and then start working for it. I always thought being structured might ruin my creativity, but the truth is, being scattered is the bigger threat!
ReplyDeletethat is a tough transition age! one of the toughest! truly turning adult. you are being responsible. you will be fine, but it can be scary. keep thriving!
ReplyDelete