I’m a fiercely independent person. And I mean that in the
wild, ferocious, vicious manner, not the Project Runway or America’s Next Top
model, or whatever reality tv show tells people to be fierce or make it fierce
or something. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t rely on people. In fact,
the me of two years ago would say, I don’t need people at all.
A lot of this comes from the fact that I’m a secret
introvert, which will come as a shock to a lot of people who either casually
know me, or think they know me (and probably to some people who know me pretty
well). You see, I fake being extroverted to hide how painfully shy I am.
Although I wouldn’t say my independence comes entirely from
my introverted nature. A good deal has to do with how I was raised. Not needing
people. My parents believe in self reliance. When we would come to them with a
problem, it would be have you tried fixing it yourself, to the point where, I’d
stop going for help.
I was the kid who didn’t get letters at summer camp, while
other kids got letters every day. I worked out my own carpool arrangements with
other parents when I needed to get somewhere. I was dropped at doors, never
walked inside.
Then there’s also my fathers stoic nature. To this day, I
can only count a handful of times when I’ve seen my father emotional, maybe
less than a handful, but I’m not sure what less than a handful is. One of my
clearest memories of my Grandfathers funeral (my fathers father) was my dad
walking up to me and saying “you have to be strong for your’ sisters, your
aunts and your grandmother, don’t get emotional”
Most of these things have lead to patterns of behavior. I
don’t do public outward displays of emotion. I am horrible at keeping in touch
with people (once went a year only talking to my parents on the phone once). I
don’t connect easily with others. I very rarely ask for help. I certainly don’t
nest, if a house never feels like a home then it won’t hurt when you have to
leave.
I’m not a great friend (probably because I’m so bad at
keeping in touch). Historically, when I’ve left an area I cut all ties. Friends
from high school are replaced by friends in college, and friends in college are
replaced by friends at work or in whatever city I’m in. Not that the people
were replaceable, it’s more because I’ve never seen the point in keeping in
touch. Change is the only constant in life.
The thing is, over the last year, or so, this has gradually
changed. Maybe it’s cause I’ve stayed in one city for four (five in February)
years, the longest I’ve ever stayed in one place since I was eighteen (although
I’ve moved three times within the same city). It might also be because of the
friends I’ve made here. Good people, good writers. People I don’t want to disappear
into the history of my life.
I also blame this change on my last roommate. Someone who
had me paint the walls (something I’ve not done in well over a decade) someone
who had me hang art, and curtains, and buying throw pillows that matched rugs
and pictures. For the first time I lived
with someone that I would do things with, rather than someone I could do things
with if I wanted to. For perhaps one of
the first times in my life I felt like I lived somewhere that was a home.
Now I’m moving. And over time, I’ve forgotten where some of
my, I don’t need people, strength came from. I don’t know how to get it back.
But perhaps more importantly, I don’t know if I should. After all, change is the only constant in
life, and I can’t go back to yesterday, cause I was a different person then.
So instead I have to keep moving forward, and figure out how
to make my new apartment feel like a home, without a roommate to make me do
those things. How to keep in touch with
my old roommate as he moves to Nicaragua (please go follow him at his blog
WildlyUrban, if enough people follow him maybe he will actually blog so that I can
keep in touch with him that way), and how to learn to be independent again. The
one thing I have no doubt on, however, is that I will be fine, cause I always
am.
Now you might be wondering what this has to do with writing,
and the simple answer is that it doesn’t. However, maybe it has everything to
do with me as a writer. And no distractions/people/whatever; means more time to
write. I would try to bend this to
somehow fit the theme of the
Insecure Writers Group Post which I was supposed
to do yesterday, and I could, maybe, by talking about how all of this not
knowing how to be who I am and not knowing what I am, is truly insecure. And
since writers are human, and therefore I can be insecure and a writer and it all
be related (this makes sense, just don’t think about it) So we’ll just go with
that.
But the truth is, I don’t feel insecure. I probably feel
more depressed than insecure, and I know from past experiences with who I used
to be when I had them, that I just typically have to ride things out, and keep
doing what I’ve been doing till it gets better.
p.s. I'm back from the craziness that was June, and maybe on Sunday, if your good and do my bidding, I'll come back with another post about what I've learned. Or well. I'll probably do it anyway.